


Let Your Heart Be Light

by englishstrawbie



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Idiots in Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28051341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/englishstrawbie/pseuds/englishstrawbie
Summary: Pure Christmas fluff!  (Aka so sweet it will make your teeth hurt)
Relationships: Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca, Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 38
Kudos: 244





	1. Sentimental Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Have yourself a merry little Christmas  
> Let your heart be light

**Two weeks before Christmas**

Maya wakes first, as she usually does, curled up on her side. Her eyes open slowly to a dim light that sneaks into the room through a small crack in the curtains. It’s early – too early – and she snuggles deeper into the mattress, letting the warmth of the room sweep over her and push her back into a light slumber. She is not awake, but not really asleep either. She can feel the soft sheets wrapped around her body, smell the faint scent of lavender on the pillows, enjoys the heat from the body pressed up against her back. Her hand wanders to find skin, her palm brushing against Carina’s leg and her fingers curling under the hem of her shorts. She runs her thumb across Carina’s thigh and smiles when she hears a small whimper escape from Carina’s mouth as she sleeps.

There was a time when Maya would have jumped out of bed the moment she was awake, but not any more. This has become her favourite time of day, to lay in Carina’s arms and wait for her to wake up. It happens so rarely thanks to their different shift patterns, so when it does she savours every moment.

Contentment washes over her and she returns to her dreams for a while until the sun rises and the room brightens. When she wakes again, she is lying on her back, her body twisted towards her bedmate. Carina’s head rests on her shoulder, tucked underneath her chin, and, as she breathes, Maya can smell the floral scent of her shampoo. Carina’s hand is on the top of her thigh, her fingernails digging into her skin. She mutters something in Italian.

“Hmm?”

“Too early,” Carina grumbles, twisting into her and leaving a kiss on Maya’s collarbone.

Maya reaches out and searches for her phone, squinting through her sleepy eyes to read the time.

“It’s almost nine.”

“Hmpf. Too early.”

Maya chuckles and plants a kiss on the top of her head.

“We said we’d go buy a tree today and decorate the apartment,” Maya says.

Maya has never cared much for Christmas. Christmas was not a happy, jolly time of year when she was younger. She was expected to train, even on Christmas morning, before opening her presents. Her gifts would usually be a new pair of sneakers or running shorts, always something practical. There were no games, no music, no laughter. Her father would watch how she filled her plate, judging every spoonful of potatoes and yams. The most peace they found was after lunch, when she and Mason would take it in turns to pick a movie to fill the afternoon. As soon as she was old enough, Maya found excuses to avoid going home for Christmas, preferring to spend it by herself rather than in the awkward confines of her family home. 

This year is different. This year, there is Carina.

Carina, whose face lights up at the mere mention of Christmas. Her stories of Christmas past are full of homemade gifts and music and games; her big family crowded round a table that was overflowing with food. She doesn’t talk much about the Christmases that came after her mom and brother had left for America, but she knows her aunts and uncles and cousins tried to keep the day light and fun for her, even when everything else about her family felt like it was falling apart.

Amongst the many (many) boxes she had brought with her when she had moved in was a box of Christmas decorations, filled with family ornaments that she’d had shipped over from Italy. Maya is hoping some of Carina’s enthusiasm for Christmas will rub off on her, and she figures turning the apartment into Santa’s grotto is a good place to start.

Carina looks up at her and smiles. “I can’t believe you never had a real tree in your apartment before.”

“I never saw the point when it was just me,” Maya says.

“And this year?” Carina probes.

Maya shrugs. All she wants to say sounds too corny, and even though this year has changed her and she feels her hard edges softening, she reserves those words for the moments that most deserve them. Instead, she drops her chin and captures Carina in a light, morning kiss.

Carina slips her hand underneath Maya’s tank top, her fingers grazing over her soft skin, as she shifts her weight onto her underside elbow to press her lips harder against Maya’s lips. Maya smiles into their kiss, knowing exactly what kind of game her girlfriend is playing.

“Don’t think you can distract me just so we stay in bed a big longer,” she murmurs, as Carina’s lips descend down her neck.

Carina grins against her skin as she moves her hand across Maya’s toned stomach and slips it into her shorts. Maya’s back arches against her touch.

“You know, Santa doesn’t bring presents to anyone who’s naughty,” Maya says, feeling her resolve weakening.

“Oh, I’m not being naughty,” Carina objects.

“No?”

“I’m being very, _very_ nice,” she says as she finally disappears underneath the sheets.

Maya’s head rolls on the pillow and she gives up her resistance, knowing this is a battle she has already lost.

* * * * * * * * * *

“Grab your hat, it’s snowing!” Maya calls down the corridor towards the bedroom.

She wraps a thick scarf around her neck and pushes her hands into her jacket pockets to retrieve her gloves. It has been snowing on and off all week, although thankfully no heavy snow storms so far.

Carina appears wearing a green beret that matches her scarf and gloves, looking as immaculate as she always does. Maya’s eyes sweep her up and down, and she is reminded again just how damn lucky she got that night in the bar.

“I can’t believe it’s snowing _again_ ,” Carina complains. She’s not a big fan of snow or Seattle winters. Despite three years in the city, she still hasn’t acclimatised.

“Well, if you hadn’t distracted us from getting out of bed this morning, we’d be back by now,” Maya chides. 

Carina grins and wraps her arms around Maya’s waist, nuzzling her nose against her cheek and kissing her temple. “I didn’t hear you complaining.”

Maya laughs. “You’re a hard woman to say no to,” she admits.

“Good to know,” Carina says, a smug smile on her face.

She sweeps one hand over Maya’s ass teasingly.

“Stop it,” Maya scolds her, “or we’ll never leave the apartment.”

Maya reaches for the door, laughing as she wriggles out of Carina’s arms, and is taken by surprise when she almost bumps into a woman standing in the hallway.

“Mom!” Maya exclaims. “What are you doing here?”

“Do I need a reason to visit my daughter?” Katherine says reproachfully, although her eyes tell another story. They shine happily. She is a different woman since the separation – brighter and more relaxed than Maya has ever known her.

“Of course not,” Maya says, stepping aside as her mom walks into her apartment uninvited. “I just wasn’t expecting you, that’s all.”

“Oh, I’m not stopping,” Katherine says. “Hello, Carina, sweetheart.”

“Buongiorno! Here, let me help you.”

Maya rolls her eyes as she watches Carina turn up the Italian charm in front of her mother. It works; Katherine is enamoured by her daughter’s girlfriend, always telling Maya how kind and helpful she is; always delighted when Carina treats her to gifts of homemade bread and pasta.

Carina takes the box from Katherine’s arms and places it on the table. “Are you delivering Christmas gifts already?”

“Well, after Maya told me that she was working on Christmas Day, I wanted to make sure you had them in time for your celebrations,” Katherine says.

Carina’s eyebrows shoot upwards in surprise. “Maya told you…”

Maya shakes her head over her mother’s shoulder.

“Thanks Mom, that’s really kind of you,” Maya interjects. “Mason said that he was spending Christmas Day with you?”

Maya’s brother has been back in their lives for almost six months. He had turned up unexpectedly at the fire station in the middle of the pandemic, desperate for somewhere to stay safe. The virus was spreading rapidly through his community and he had already lost several friends who hadn’t been able to get the medical care they needed to survive it. It had shaken him and, with the shelters overrun with people, he’d had no choice but to ask for help.

Maya had been happy to see him. She had tried to find him several times, ready to beg him to come home with her, but each trip had been unsuccessful. Her heart had jumped when she saw him standing in the doorway of her office and she had thrown her arms around him, ignoring his protests – all protocols out of her mind as she had embraced him.

After a few nights in Maya’s spare room, Mason had moved in with their mom. It was safer that way, with Maya being a front line worker. It had given them all the chance to reconnect and build the family bonds that had been broken for so long. Mason had eventually moved out into his own apartment, accepting a small amount of financial help to keep him off the streets and give him the chance to start again on his own terms. He had a job at a local grocery store, and taught painting classes on the side. It was enough to keep him happy, and Maya was grateful that this one good thing had come out of an otherwise heartbreaking year. 

“Oh yes, and he’s bringing his new girlfriend,” Katherine gushes. “Have you met her?”

“No, not yet. We’re going to catch up next week,” Maya says.

“That’ll be lovely,” Katherine says with a smile, happy to see her children grow closer. “Well, you girls look like you’re on your way out and I don’t want to hold you up.”

“We’re just off to buy a tree,” Maya says. “Why don’t we catch up on Christmas Eve? I’ll drop off our gifts to you then.”

Katherine beams. “I’d like that, sweetheart.”

She pulls her daughter into a warm embrace, which Maya gladly accepts, before leaving them in peace. When Maya turns around, she sees Carina stood with pinched lips and arms folded across her chest, and immediately knows why.

“Don’t be mad,” Maya tries to appease her.

“You’re working on Christmas Day?”

“Carina…”

“Maya, why didn’t you tell me? It’s our first Christmas! I thought that we’d be spending it together, I made sure I wasn’t working so that we could be together. Isn’t that what you want too?”

She looks hurt and Maya feels guilty for upsetting her.

“Of course I do,” she says.

“Then why am I only just learning this from your mom?”

“Because I lied,” Maya says. “To my mom, I mean. I lied about having to work on Christmas Day because I knew that she would want us to spend the day with her and… and I’m glad that things are better with us now, and with Mason too, but I’m not ready for a happy family Christmas.”

She takes a deep breath and sighs.

“This year has been a lot – you, us, my Dad, the pandemic. So much has happened and sometimes it’s too much to get my head ‘round,” Maya admits.

She walks up to Carina and places her hands around her waist, encouraging Carina to turn towards her.

“But I know that _you_ have been the best part of this year. And I want what you want,” Maya says. “I want to spend Christmas Day with you. Just you and me.”

She feels Carina relax under her touch and tugs her hips closer.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

Carina tilts her head. “Just you and me, huh?”

Maya nods. “Just you and me,” she repeats, “…and Christmas songs, and more food than we can eat, and some crappy Christmas movies, and whatever else you want to do.”

She nuzzles her nose against Carina’s cheek and kisses the corner of her mouth, which turns upwards at her affection.

“Okay,” Carina relents, causing Maya to grin.

“Come on, let’s go before the snow gets worse.”

* * * * * * * * * *

Two hours later and a seven foot tree stands proudly in the corner of their apartment. Its branches are thick and lush with green pine needles. Carina is rifling through Maya’s Christmas decorations, pulling out lights and beads and baubles.

“Bella, these decorations are…”

“Sad? Pathetic?” Maya finishes her sentence.

She has never indulged in anything decent, only ever picking up cheap decorations at the grocery store to hang on a small plastic tree that she usually puts up on Christmas Eve and takes down two days later.

Carina scrunches up her nose in agreement. She untangles a set of tree lights and plugs them into the socket. There is a small spark as she flicks the switch and as soon as the lights are on, they are off again. Carina jumps back and shakes her head.

“This is no good.”

“I guess maybe we should have stopped for new decorations while we were out,” Maya says ruefully. She reaches for Carina’s own box of decorations and places it on the small table in front of the sofa. “What about yours?”

They both kneel on the ground and Carina opens the box. Everything is wrapped up in tissue and bubble wrap, and Maya sits back, letting Carina open them one by one, watching her eyes glaze over as each ornament brings her happy memories.

“Andrea bought me this when he was five years old,” Carina says, cradling a small snowman in her hands. “He had saved up his pocket money and was so proud of himself.”

Next is a set of four wooden reindeer with ribbons to hang them on the tree. “I bought these in Milan, the first time my Papa took me. I was five, maybe six years old. The stall owner engraved them for me, see?”

Carina points to one that has her name engraved in the side, the others bearing the names of her parents and brother.

She pulls out a tall wooden soldier, decorated in red and white, with soft feathers as hair.

“Have you ever seen the Nutcracker?”

Maya shakes her head, no.

“My Mama used to take me. The first time was just after Andrea was born, I think she wanted us to have something that we shared just the two of us. It became our own tradition, she took me every year until…”

Carina falters. She still remembers that first Christmas they were gone, and it was just her and her Papa. Her father had found an excuse to go to work and she had spent Christmas Day alone, curled up in a chair in his office. No decorations in sight, the day had been spent staring at cold and clinical hospital walls.

“You miss her,” Maya says softly.

It’s a statement, not a question, and all it elicits is a shrug of her shoulders.

“I lived without my Mama in my life for a long time before she died,” Carina says.

“Doesn’t mean you don’t miss her,” Maya says, reaching out and wrapping a hand around Carina’s. She squeezes it gently and Carina looks up at her, her eyes shining with tears.

“I would like to go to church on Christmas Eve,” Carina says. “I like to go and light a candle – for my Mama and my Nonna. Listen to some carols. Would that be okay?”

Maya smiles gently. “Of course that’s okay. Do you… can I come with you?”

Carina returns her smile. “I would love that.”

She leans forwards and places a light kiss on Maya’s cheek. Maya’s reaches out to catch her head in her hand and she brings her lips to meet hers.

“Now who’s distracting us?” Carina teases.

Maya grins and tips her head towards the box. “What else is in there?”

Carina sits back on her heels and returns to the box, pulling out more ornaments and decorations to hang from the tree. There are more stories of her upbringing – afternoons spent with her cousins painting homemade baubles, visits to the Christmas markets with her grandparents, sneaking out of school to go ice-skating with her friends. Maya loves getting a snapshot of what Carina was like as a child and a teenager.

They hang the lights first, choosing coloured lights to brighten up the tree. Silver and gold beads follow before they fill the branches with multi-coloured baubles and decorations – the best of Maya’s small collection and all of Carina’s memories, the perfect mix of the two of them. Maya takes it all in, and feels her a warmth spread through her body. This is what complete happiness feels like, she realises.

“Oh no.”

Carina sounds solemn and Maya spins to look at her with concern. “What?”

“There’s nothing to put on the top of the tree!”

Maya looks up at the bare branch at the top of the tree.

“You don’t have anything in your box?”

Carina shakes her head. “I had an angel but Andrea wanted something from home and I gave it to him last year.” She sighs. “We can’t have a tree without something on top.”

“Well, the snow is coming down too fast for us to go out and buy something,” Maya muses. An idea comes to mind. “Hang on.”

She walks back into the kitchen. Carina watches her curiously as she rummages around in the drawers, returning a few minutes later with a silver star fashioned out of aluminium foil.

Carina laughs and Maya pretends to look offended.

“It’s the best I could do,” she says.

She passes the star to Carina. “Here, you’re taller.”

Carina rises onto her tiptoes and places the star carefully on top of the tree, before stepping backwards so that she is standing side by side next to Maya.

“We’ll get a proper one when we can,” Maya says.

“No,” Carina objects. “Let’s keep it. It’s perfect just as it is.”

Maya smiles up at her. “I have one more decoration.”

“You do?” Carina raises her eyebrows with curiosity.

Maya grabs a paper bag that is hidden behind the sofa. She holds it between her two hands and extends her arms out in front of her. Carina slips her hand inside, her face lighting up in recognition at what she can feel. She smiles as she pulls out a sprig of mistletoe, a red ribbon wrapped around it.

“Mistletoe!”

With a playful smile, she holds it above her head with one hand, the other tugging at the hem of Maya’s sweater to pull her closer. Maya tosses the bag to the floor and slips her hands around Carina’s waist, leaning into her for a slow, deep kiss.

“You’re the best part of my year too,” Carina whispers.

As she drops her head to embrace Maya in another kiss, Maya feels a wave of happiness wash through her once again. She never thought that life would be this good, she never thought that her heart would be open to the possibility of so much love. She finds herself getting sentimental at times about how much this year has changed her life, how much it has changed _her_. And with the holiday season approaching, she is pretty sure this is going to be the best Christmas she has ever had.


	2. One More Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From now on  
> Our troubles will be out of sight

**Christmas Eve**

Carina places the wailing baby in the arms of her patient, watching as his tiny fingers wrap around his mother’s thumb. She glances across at the husband, tears running down his cheeks, his face full of awe and wonder at what he has just witnessed.

“Do you have a name for him?” Carina asks.

“Gabriel,” the mother says, unable to take her eyes off the tiny human in her arms.

Carina smiles. Little Gabriel is the twelfth baby she has delivered this week and not the first one to be given a festive name. She has already seen a Joseph, Mary and Holly – a common occurrence at this time of year.

She watches her patient and her husband gush over their newborn, and her heart warms at the love they exude. Carina became a doctor for the medicine, because it makes her brain work hard and she loves piecing together the science; but it is moments like these, when she gets to see new families created, that make her fall in love with her job all over again.

She finishes up with her patient, her last of the day. She was supposed to clock off ten minutes ago and knows that she needs to be on her way to meet Maya, but she lingers in the room for a little longer, stealing a little bit of their joy for herself, until the pocket of her lab coat buzzes.

Carina says goodbye to her patient and slips out into the hallway, accepting the video call on her phone.

“Andrea!” she greets her brother fondly.

“Buon Natale!” Andrew says. He is wearing a Santa hat on his head and has a string of fairy lights curled around his neck. She can hear noise in the background and recognises the familiar voices of her aunts, uncles and cousins.

Andrew has been sending her photos of home and family ever since he arrived in Italy a couple of days ago for Christmas. Carina loves seeing them, loves knowing that her family are safe and well after such a terrible year. Italy is still home, no matter how settled she feels in Seattle, and she can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy at missing out, especially because the pandemic meant that she wasn’t able to take her usual trip home in the summer.

“Buon Natale!” Carina returns with a wide smile. “You look like you’re having fun?”

“We’re at Elena’s for dinner. The kids decided I needed to look more festive,” Andrew says, chuckling. Their cousin. Elena, hosts a Christmas Eve party every year, with family and friends dropping in through the afternoon and evening until everyone makes their way to bed early in time for the next day’s celebrations.

“Are you remembering to take your meds?”

Carina can’t help but worry about him, especially now he is thousands of miles away.

“Yes, of course,” Andrew says with forced patience. He has to stop himself from rolling his eyes at her mothering, knowing that she only worries because she cares. With his diagnosis and also the pandemic this year, he has realised how important it is to be surrounded by people who care about him and he is grateful every day that Carina chose to move to America to be with him.

“And Papa?”

Carina has reservations about Andrew spending time with their father after his own Bipolar diagnosis and had tried to persuade him to stay in Seattle for the holidays, but Andrew had insisted that it would be good for both of them to spend time together. She knows he is hoping that their Papa might come around to the idea of seeking treatment for his own mental health if he sees Andrew dealing with his diagnosis, but Carina is cynical. After all, she knows Vincenzo DeLuca better than anyone.

“He’s here too,” Andrew says. “He’s doing good, Carina, I promise.”

Carina chooses not to say anything else about the matter, preferring not to quarrel with her brother on Christmas Eve. Instead, she changes the subject.

“Did Lorenzo make his panettone?”

One of their other cousins, Lorenzo, is a chef, and his desserts are always the centrepiece of a DeLuca family Christmas Eve party.

“Of course. He’s made the most amazing struffoli too!”

Carina feels her mouth water at the thought of them. She has made her own stuffoli this year – assuming that Maya hasn’t tucked into them already – wanting to bring a little bit of Italy to their Christmas Day.

“Mmm stop!” Carina says. “You’re making me hungry.”

“You’re missed here,” Andrew says.

“I miss everyone too,” Carina says. “Say hello to everyone from me.”

“Say it yourself,” Andrew says, spinning around so that Carina can see the rest of the family who surround him.

She is greeted with waving hands and smiling faces and a chorus of ‘hello’ and ‘Merry Christmas’. She feels the love from her family and happiness spreads through her body, and she grins as she walks the halls of the hospital towards her office. The burning question on everyone’s lips is when she will next be home for a visit and – more importantly – whether her girlfriend will be coming with her. Maya comes from a small family compared to Carina’s and Carina knows her family can be overwhelming to an outsider, but they will welcome Maya with open arms and she knows how lucky she is to have a family like that.

The screen lands on her father.

“Carina!” he greets her fondly.

His exuberance makes her nervous; as a child, she never knew if his good mood was genuine or part of a manic episode, and that uneasiness still resides in her today.

“Buon Natale!”

“Buon Natale, Papa,” Carina says. “How are you?”

“I’m well, I’m well,” Vincenzo answers. “But I wish you were here with me and your brother. You are busy at work, si?”

Carina feels her skin prickle. Her father is her biggest critic when it comes to her work.

“Andrea has been singing your praises,” Vincenzo continues. “He says your preeclampsia research is causing quite a stir.”

Carina isn’t usually one to boast but it’s true, her research into cell signalling has caught the attention of a lot of research centres across North America and she has received a number of job offers to continue her research under the supervision of some of the top physicians in the country – including the Robbins-Herman Centre for Women’s Health (not that she’s told Maya about those conversations with her ex-girlfriend).

“It’s going very well, but I have a long way to go before it’s ready to be published,” Carina says.

She purposefully plays down her accomplishments. She knows her father would tell her to follow the money but Carina isn’t like that, she isn’t like her father. She can’t pretend that she’s not flattered, and in some cases her interest has been piqued – but she would never leave Seattle.

She feels loyalty to Dr Bailey for giving her the chance to pursue her research in the first place; she feels loyalty to her colleagues who have encouraged and supported her, and who have picked her up when it seemed like her project was falling apart.

She loves living near Andrew. They have never shared a close relationship until the last three years, and she enjoys having her little brother around, even if he does still drive her crazy sometimes.

And then there is Maya. She would never leave Maya.

Chaos reigns on the other end of the phone – apparently one of the bambinos has just gone crashing into the Christmas tree – and Carina loses their attention. She hears Elena berating someone that they shouldn’t be riding their scooter inside the house.

Andrew spins the phone back to himself. “I’d better go,” he says regretfully. “But I’ll be home for New Year, maybe we can get together before I head back to work?”

“Sounds great,” Carina says. “You take care of yourself over there.”

“I will. Merry Christmas, Carina.”

“Merry Christmas,” Carina says, hitting the red button just as she reaches her office.

She walks inside and finds Maya sat on the edge of her desk, flipping through a pregnancy magazine. Maya doesn’t hear her enter and she pauses in the doorway to watch her for a moment. Carina can tell she has no interest in what she is reading, she looks impatient and Carina knows that she is just as eager to start their Christmas celebrations as she is.

They have been through a lot together this year, not all of it good, but as they approach the holidays and the start of a new year, Carina is grateful that they have survived the stress and heartache that 2020 has brought them. Carina has never felt so happy and in love as she has since Maya came into her life so unexpectedly that night at Joe’s bar. Carina had been looking for a night of fun, no interest in the dramas of a relationship, and she remembers the resistance that Maya put up at first. Those walls were something that still built up every now and again, but Carina understands them now, she understands where they come from and what Maya needs to break them down. She knows when to push and when to back off to give Maya the space to work through her feelings herself, before she is able to let someone else in.

Maya has done the work she needs to do, taking the time to recognise the habits and behaviours that have been ingrained in her since she was a child under the strict eye of her father. More importantly, she has learnt how to alter her reactions. She is more open about her feelings, even the difficult ones. It has not been easy at times. Maya is stubborn and strong-willed – just like Carina can be – but their relationship and their love has been the strength she has needed to combat her demons.

No, there is no way she would ever leave Maya.

Maya notices her presence and looks up, smiling brightly. “Hey! You’re late?”

Carina steps into the room and closes the door behind her. “Another delivery – a healthy baby boy, just in time for Christmas.”

“Another Nicholas?” Maya asks.

“Gabriel,” Carina answers, laughing as Maya rolls her eyes. “Oh come on, it's sweet.”

“Hmm,” is all Maya says, dropping the magazine she has been reading onto the desk and reaching her arms out to grab Carina’s waist, drawing her body towards her. “Are you finished now?”

Carina nods.

“Good.”

Maya slides forwards on the desk so that her body is pressed up against Carina’s and she captures her in a soft, slow kiss.

“I’ve missed you,” she murmurs.

Maya has put in some extra hours at the station this week to make up for her leave over the next few days, which means they have barely spent any time together this week.

Carina’s phone pings. It’s a photo from Andrew of the now lopsided Christmas tree and a very sullen looking boy sat beside it. Carina laughs.

“Another photo from Andrew?”

Carina nods. “Elena’s son, Matteo, knocked over the Christmas tree. Andrea called from our cousin’s house just as it happened, the whole family is there. I got to see them all and say hello.”

She smiles, but there is a hint of sadness in her eyes.

“You’re sad you’re missing out?” Maya says.

This isn’t the first time that she has seen Carina melancholy for a Christmas in Italy and, as much as she tries to put the idea out of her head, she worries that Carina regrets her decision to stay in Seattle with her.

Carina picks up on her tone.

“Yes,” she answers honestly. She wraps her arms tighter around Maya’s neck. “But that doesn’t mean that I’m not happy that we’re spending our first Christmas together. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than with you.”

Maya blushes. “Really?”

“Really,” Carina says, leaning in for another, brief kiss.

“So when you said your whole family is there…?”

“Papa is there, yes,” Carina says. “He looked well. Andrea says he is doing good. He seemed cheerful, not manic.”

“That’s good. Maybe having Andrew there is a good thing for him after all,” Maya observes.

“Maybe,” Carina says, although she is still unconvinced. “How was your mama?”

The change of subject is intentional, as Carina chooses not to dwell on her father any more. He was doing well today, and that was enough.

“She was very chatty,” Maya says with a small laugh. “But good – happy. She was sad you weren’t able to come too.” Maya pulls a face. She swears her mother loves Carina more than her own children sometimes. “She really seems to be doing well on her own. She’s planning a trip to Chicago next year to see her sisters. I don’t think she’s seen them for years, Dad never liked her going away without him.”

She falters as she brings up her father. Despite all the work she has done to come to terms with her childhood, he is still a sore point.

“Will you speak to him this Christmas?” Carina asks gently.

Maya shakes her head and drops her gaze, her fingers playing with the lapels of Carina’s lab coat. “I can’t, not yet. And not at Christmas.”

Carina brushes Maya’s hair back from her face and hooks her finger under her chin, encouraging her to look up at her. “That’s okay. You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”

She runs her thumbs along Maya’s jawline tenderly and places a soft kiss on her forehead. Maya closes her eyes at the gesture.

“We should get going,” she says. “The service starts at seven and it was just starting to snow as I got here.”

Carina’s face lights up. “A white Christmas?”

She untangles herself from Maya’s embrace, humming the old Bing Crosby song as she rids herself of her lab coat and strips out of her scrubs into jeans and a sweater.

“You know, it’s rude to stare,” she teases Maya as she watches her undress.

Maya shrugs, a playful twinkle in her eyes. “I’m just enjoying the view.”

Carina shakes her head with amusement. She pulls on a thick jacket, hat, scarf and gloves, before holding her hand out. Maya takes it and allows Carina to pull her from her seat on the desk.

It is still snowing as they step outside and they instinctively move closer towards each other, linking arms as they walk. It is already dark and the streets are lit up with twinkling lights. There is a busker playing Christmas songs on his guitar on the corner of Main Street, his husky voice belting out _Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas_. He’s good and Maya drops ten dollars into his case, wishing him a Happy Holidays. Carina knows she is thinking of Mason and the Christmases he spent on the streets.

The church is a short walk away. Carina has had a complicated relationship with the church in the past. Growing up Catholic and gay in Italy wasn’t always easy. There had been a few years when she had stopped attending church altogether, even at Christmas. When she had arrived in Seattle, Andrew had introduced her to St Sebastian’s Church, one of the most progressive churches in the city. She had found a community there that she had been missing, its congregation opening its arms to everyone and not once had Carina heard anyone call her love for another woman a sin that needed to be forgiven.

It had become one of Carina’s favourite holiday traditions to attend the Christmas Eve carol concert and she was looking forward to sharing it with Maya this year.

There is a dusting of snow on their coats by the time they arrive and they brush it off before heading inside. Carina is a familiar face at the church and they are both greeted like old friends by some of the regular churchgoers.

Carina insists that they sit towards the front, wanting to be close enough to see the choir perform. They sing beautifully, filling the church with their voices. Maya slips her hand into Carina’s, leaning against her shoulder as she listens. _Silent Night_ is Carina’s favourite, while Maya prefers _The First Noel_. Every now and again, Carina sings along while Maya just listens.

At the end of the concert, they make their way to the candles at the back of the church. Carina puts two dollars into the basket and lights two candles from those that already burn. She closes her eyes and says a prayer for her Mama and Nonna, their faces in the forefront of her mind. She thinks about their last Christmas all together when Carina was nine years old, sitting around the fireplace while her dad and brother played with Andrea’s new train set in the next room. Her Nonna had sung _Tu Scendi dalle Stelle_ , her favourite carol, inviting Carina and her mama to join in half way through. The memory fills Carina with an overwhelming sense of loss and a tear escapes her eye, trickling down her cheek.

Maya wipes it away gently, before looping her arm around her waist.

“Are you okay?”

Carina nods and smiles through her tears. They stand in silence, side-by-side, as Maya gives her a moment to indulge in her sadness for a moment.

“Let’s go,” Carina says eventually.

“Just a minute,” Maya says. She steps forwards and puts her own dollar into the basket, lighting a candle herself.

“Who is that for?” Carina asks curiously.

“Me, I guess,” Maya says. “The old me. The one who was an image of her father, the one who would push people away when they got too close, the one who hurt the people she loves the most. I don’t ever want to be her again.”

“You won’t be,” Carina says. “You’ve worked so hard to put all that behind you and move forwards. I’m proud of you, Maya. And I love you.”

Maya’s eyes fill with tears as she looks up at Carina. “I love you, too.”

Carina leans across and places a kiss on her cheek. “Come, tesoro, let’s go home.”

The snow is falling heavier now and they jump in a cab, glad for the short journey to their apartment. Carina takes charge of dinner, cooking up a light meal of baccalà and seafood, as Maya sets about lighting up the apartment with the various lamps and fairy lights scattered around the room.

She looks around her at how busy and cosy the apartment is, a far cry from the simple and minimalistic décor that she used to prefer. It had taken her a while to get used to all the changes that Carina had made, cluttering the apartment with soft furnishings and vagina art (which is one element that Maya has never gotten used to), and now Maya loves it. She loves the changes that Carina has brought to her life, and to herself. 

“Maya?”

Carina’s voice brings her out of her reverie.

“Hmm?”

Carina holds out a glass of wine, which Maya gratefully accepts. They clink their glasses together in a toast.

“Merry Christmas.”

“Buon Natale!”

Carina presents dinner on a platter, setting it on the small table in front of the sofa. Maya forces her to watch _It’s A Wonderful Life_ as they eat, affronted by the fact that Carina has never seen it. By the end of the movie, they are curled up on the sofa together. Carina’s head rests on Maya’s shoulder, their legs tangled up together under the warm blanket that covers them. Maya hears her sniffling as the bell on the Christmas tree chimes and Clarence gets his wings.

“Are you crying?”

“No!” Carina lies.

Maya chuckles, before turning more solemn. “You know, I used to think about what it would be like if I’d never existed. If I just disappeared into the clouds, then my dad wouldn’t have been so obsessed with me winning every race I competed in. Then maybe he would’ve been a better husband to my Mom, a kinder father to Mason. Maybe if I wasn’t around, their lives would have been better.”

Carina frowns. “And now?”

“Now I know that the way my dad was and the way he treated us had nothing to do with me. It was all him, and me not being there wouldn’t have changed who he was… who he is,” Maya says. “And I can’t hold on to that guilt any more.”

Carina uncurls her body and sits up next to her, resting her head on the cushion behind her. “You want to know what I think?”

“Always,” Maya say, turning towards her.

“I think that this world would be far less bright without you in it, Maya,” Carina says. “And I don’t just mean all the lives you’ve saved as a firefighter. I mean all the things you’ve done for your friends – for Andy and Vic and Jack. I mean all the things you’ve done for me – everything with Andrea, all those nights you were there when I couldn’t sleep after another horrible day at work during the pandemic. You make this world better by being in it, Maya.”

Carina leans in and kisses her fervently, wanting her actions to match the sentiment of her words and desperate for Maya to believe her. Her hands slip under the blanket and slide up Maya’s thighs, pulling her hips closer. Her lips caress her neck, her teeth sinking into the sweet spot just above her collar bone.

“I love you, Maya. I want you in my life always,” Carina whispers into her ear.

“I love you, too,” Maya returns. “More than I ever knew I was capable of.”

Her hands slip around the back of Carina’s neck and she guides her lips to her own, biting down on Carina’s lower lip and pulling her back in for another, deep kiss.

“It’s late,” Maya murmurs. “Maybe we should take this to the bedroom.”

Carina glances at the clock on the wall. “It’s almost midnight – almost Christmas Day!” she declares.

“That’s lucky,” Maya says with a sly grin.

“Lucky?” Carina questions, her forehead crinkling in confusion.

“Time to unwrap presents,” Maya explains. “And there’s one gift I can’t wait to unwrap.”

She slips her hand underneath Carina’s sweater, her fingernails digging into her skin. Carina smiles, understanding exactly what she means.

“Oh yeah? And which gift is that?”

Maya grabs her hand and stands up, pulling her towards the bedroom.

“You.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for reading and for the kudos, and especially for the lovely comments - not only on this fic, but everything else I've written this year. It means so much to me. I'm going to try and fill some prompts over the next week or so, before getting back to my multi-chapter fic in the New Year. But for now, I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays! <3


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